Ask Amy: Husband, Who Loves Flirting With Other Women, Tells Wife She Is Not Self-Confident
Dear Amy: I recently went on a two week vacation with my husband “Rob” and “Patsy”, the wife of another couple we have traveled with in the past.
The husband didn’t want to take this particular trip, so it was just the three of us.
From day one, my husband adored Patsy, while completely ignoring me.
The three of us were communicating on a group text, but on the second day of the trip she said, “Oh, Rob texted me”, but when I looked at my phone, I didn’t see any. texting, so I asked him why he texted her alone, instead of using the group text.
He said he didn’t know how to access group text which is a lie as he was on group text as recently as two days before.
When we got home (call it “female intuition”) I just got the feeling that he was still texting her, so I looked at my phone’s activity log and fine. sure he was.
Apparently Patsy sent Rob pictures of me and her from the trip, but never sent the pictures to me, which I found very strange.
I approached him about it, and he got mad at me and called me “insecure.”
I’ve had issues with him before, because of his visits to dating sites, so guess I’m not sure!
Luckily Patsy lives out of state so I don’t think an affair would happen, but I see it as emotional cheating.
How can I get him to stop?
– Tested, not texted
Dear Tested: If your husband browsed dating sites while he was married to you, and now has a habit of testing your confidence by feigning ignorance on how to send or reply to a text from group, then I’d venture an educated guess and say there’s no way for you to get him to stop being himself.
I wouldn’t go so far as to call it “emotional cheating” as he doesn’t seem to be emotionally involved with “Patsy”, and to be honest, she sent him the photo and the text.
If your description is correct, he’s more of a guy who might have a bit of a hard time connecting with women who clearly aren’t you. Plus, he’s a guy who doesn’t mind his behavior making you feel quirky and insecure.
Rather than looking for ways to change it, you might be looking for changes that you can make. If you change, everything around you will change as well.
Dear Amy: When will people realize how rude it is to ask a couple if they are pregnant?
It is nobody’s business why a person chooses to stop drinking or smoking, and if it is because of pregnancy, then they might not be ready to discuss it!
People outside the relationship may not know if there has been an infidelity, miscarriage, early pregnancy that the couple is considering or not, or something entirely different.
Pregnancy is a private matter. It is also rude to ask people when they are planning to have children.
Even saying to a woman, “You don’t look pregnant” when she says she is pregnant is rude.
– Tired of questions
Dear Tired: I agree with you that pregnancy is a tender subject. It can be a physical and emotional minefield for women (and couples).
Any woman who has attempted to travel the world while heavily pregnant will notice how her private physique seems to become a source of public comment. Once, a stranger followed me in the street, saying “It’s a girl!” (And, to be fair, they turned out to be right).
But – to answer your question – some people will never stop treating pregnancy and motherhood as a fascinating and public topic.
Let your own feelings about it guide you as you deal with others.
Dear Amy: I really liked your response to “Not Savvy”, the woman who disliked her husband’s friend, but I didn’t know why!
You attributed this to “bad chemistry” and suggested that she tell the guy the same.
I had a similar situation. Just awkward chemistry with someone. The tension made things uncomfortable until I finally admitted that I didn’t like her very much, but I didn’t know why! He accepted it well, and it certainly helped.
– Was there
Dear Been There: Turns out, “It’s not you, it’s me” isn’t just a dodge.
You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.